How can I honor someone who has died?

It varies, but the practice I implemented when I was first working in the emergency room is called The Pause. It has now gotten some national and international use and recognition, but I started doing it simply to find a space to be able to honor a a patient who died while holding the multicultural aspect of the environment I was working in and living in. 

What we do is stop and ask the room if we can take a moment, and if the family's available, we say, "Would you be offended if we just took a moment to honor your loved one and honor the work that we've done?" 

Most families are okay with it and if they're not, then we don't carry on. When they are okay with it, we ask everyone in the room to stay here, near the patient. We ask to honor the life that was lived, honor that person before they died, before they became sick. Honor the fact that they were someone who was loved and loved others. 

We just do that in our own way and in silence, holding that space for as long as we need to, but generally it's 30 seconds to a minute. When we're done, we thank the room, we thank everyone who offered care to that patient, and we offer our condolences to the family. That seemed like a very simple way that anyone, not just in the medical system, can honor someone who has died. 

The simplicity and beauty of The Pause seems to me like something that could translate to whomever. Even if my father died, which he did 15 years ago, and I wanted to have some internal way to honor him, it's something that I could just sit for 30 seconds to half to an hour, or however long, by myself or with any loved ones, and do the same practice. 

I think we as a culture, and this is true across the world, may have forgotten the importance of honoring that last rite of passage, the importance of holding that space in silence. Stopping everything, even for a tiny moment, and holding the gap that just opened up.

Remembering them is the first and best way. Don't feel like you shouldn't talk about them. Tell stories and use their name. That's really important. I don't know that you have to go around and talk about them all the time, but if you want to, you should be able to. 

One of the hardest things when someone dies is that sense of 'Where do they go — they're not here anymore. How is that possible?' By talking about them, you bring them into your stories, you bring them into your heart. 

People do all kinds of things to honor their loved ones. People hold memorial ceremonies, some people have a private area in their home where they have photographs and maybe a flower or a candle that they light every morning, almost like a little altar or shrine. You can establish a place outside and plant a commemorative tree or flower in the color they liked, or a special area in your garden. Some people create stepping stones, and put them in their garden so there's a place to go that is a commemorative of them. Some people host fundraisers or do 5k runs in honor of the person who's died. Some start foundations. 

We don't need to go big if we don't feel like it. We can keep it very small and personal.

When my late husband Joe died, I wanted to honor him in ways that would capture his unique personality and leave a lasting legacy for our children. This included having guests decorate red velvet cupcakes at his celebration of life gathering (he authored a book on cake decorating and loved mastering the fine art of desserts), planting a guava tree in our backyard on Father’s Day (the man was obsessed with the fruit), and keeping his love of cooking alive by sharing his well-worn cookbooks with family and friends.

Creatively commemorating a loss can be incredibly healing during the grieving process and there are endless, personal ways to do so. From dedicating an event in their honor, completing a project they were unable to finish, or even getting a tattoo or jewelry made from their handwriting -- whatever comforts you while capturing the essence of them can be a wonderful way to honor someone who has died.

To honor someone who has died is to remember their love and legacy. This starts before death by sharing stories of love and life, if possible. After death, cherish poignant memories and practice rituals specific to a culture or belief, continue to share stories, keep and teach how to cultivate a garden if the individual who died loved gardening (or whatever their passion was), fulfill commitments to their interests if expressed.

Legacy work is an excellent option to honor someone who dies. This optimally starts before death and continues ad infinitum. Legacy work is meaningful conversations and activities, between a dying person and close caregivers, that reviews their life, dying and death. Their legacy.

For example, healing discussions between a dying person and a loved one may prompt memories about a song. Sing the song together and record it, or find a recording, and play the recording after their death. Another example great for families is to create a scrapbook filled with photographs, written memories, artifacts like sea shells found when walking the beach and talking to resolve an issue, or baseball tickets from a great outing together, artwork created while together or inspired after death. Honoring someone this way enables organic, heart-felt, authentic, tactile, representations of reverent events and the legacy healing discussion and activities that contribute to deep meaningful bonds that are reflective of the beauty of the gift of the entire mystery of life and death.

Another option is to create a small, revered space with your loved one’s photograph, a personal item like a bracelet, watch, or favorite painting, and a candle. Light the candle when reflecting on memories of your loved one with an open heart.  

There are several ways to honor someone who has died. If you want to honor them personally, you can still talk to them. This is especially helpful if you did not have a chance to say everything you wanted to say to them before they died. It is powerful to say what you have to say out loud. Alternatively, you may want to write what you want to say in a letter to them.

Another way to honor someone who has died is to create a memorial space in your home to honor them. Their picture might be there, or items that belonged to them, or meaningful things that they gave to you. If you do not have physical items, you might want to make a scroll listing all the things you learned from them, or the things you admire about them.

The next level of honoring would be to create a ritual to honor them. The ritual might involve music, poetry, their favorite food or drink, or making some art as a tribute.This can be done by one person, or a small close group of friends or family. It is a personal goodbye.

A memorial gathering of family and friends can also be a very healing way to say goodbye and connect with others who knew the person. Stories may be told that you knew nothing about. There is a connecting bond that can form during a memorial that makes people feel less alone and contributes to their collective sense of closure, even though the grief work may be just beginning.

One way to honor a person’s life can be memorializing it in a piece of art. Commission a local visual artist, songwriter, poet, writer, composer, crafter, or other medium of artist to create a work inspired by the person who has died. You can provide the artist with whatever source content feels right, like a photograph or written description of the person’s appearance, a list of their favorite songs, a written story or memory about them, or a collection of details about their personality, interests, and activities. If you’re an artist yourself and have capacity for it, you could create the piece yourself and perhaps even find some catharsis in the process. A story, a song, a painting—these are also tangible forms that can immortalize loved ones we’ve lost. As Shakespeare wrote in one of his most famous sonnets, “So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, / So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.” You can honor a loved one’s memory and their impact every time you interact with an artistic creation inspired by them.